Looking Inwards

Like most folk I’m sure, I’m glad to see the back of 2021. 2022 hasn’t exactly been kind so far, what with a slew of back to back medical appointments then us losing state health cover courtesy of yet more Brexit related fuckery right in the middle of it all, but I’m feeling a slight shift this week. It’s not much and it’s not necessarily positive, but I’m holding onto it. And yes, we did get our health cover back, at least until the end of this year, after I got the embassy involved.

It’s now been 2 years since I was firstly formally diagnosed with ADHD and it’s taken some adjustment. Most folks will tell you a diagnosis answers so SO many questions, yet it also brings daily revelations about situations past; little moments that were never explained that you now see in a new light. These come in layers, your life literally in unravels as you look at yourself through this new lens. In addition to that, diagnosis brings a period of grief, particularly so for folks diagnosed later in life, for the person you could have been had you known sooner, and had your needs been accommodated instead of ignored, dismissed or ridiculed. It takes time. A long time and a lot of patience; unmasking and self-discovery aren’t things to be taken lightly. And I’m not convinced you come out the other side the same person.

2021 not only saw me deal with the process of that diagnosis, but it also saw me get an informal Autism diagnosis and a my PTSD is worse than I thought diagnosis. It saw Aran receive formal diagnoses for Autism and ADHD, and us fighting to get his needs recognised and supported by the system and in school. The year saw me going into emergency accommodation after receiving threats when Tom launched a fundraiser for my mental health needs, as I didn’t feel safe at home in our community. It saw the deaths of 8 people I knew, including my favourite cousin in January and a good friend in April. And these are just the things that I feel comfortable saying out loud right now. Throw in the pandemic concerns, the outright ableism it’s highlighted and the growing inequality, the general state of the world and the continual stress about trying to keep us afloat when my work is my family’s only source of income and it’s fair to say it was an utterly shit year.

Image description: the corner of a pile of Hats is the centre focus, with each Hat being a different variegated colour to the next. At the bottom of the pile is a beret. All of these Hats are worked in stocking stitch in 4ply weight yarn.

I did manage to continue working when I could, mostly trying to reformat and update every single pattern and trying to manage all the backend logistics of the new site and what’s essentially become a business structure overhaul. I’ve finally succeeded on the former, not so much - yet - on the latter.

What I really needed though, to keep my fingers busy, were some simple mindful knits. Easy stitches and patterns that didn’t require me to think. Keeping my brain busy during the day with low-key admin stuff was one thing but come the evenings, or the days when I wasn’t well enough to get out of bed, I needed something else to occupy my brain.

It’s a curse of ADHD that idle fingers make for a noisy brain that’s likely to lead to trouble. I’m unable to relax, my stop button doesn’t work. Winding down of an evening and watching a movie just doesn’t happen. So I dug out some yarns and started knitting. I’ve often been heard referring to these kinds of knits as my ‘sanity knitting’ and that’s absolutely what it is.

Truth be told I started knitting countless things purely with the aim of having something to do so that my brain didn’t turn in on itself, and most of those went nowhere. Yet these Hats stuck. They grew and before long, surprise surprise, I’d an idea for a collection. Which wasn’t necessarily good news as I wasn’t exactly in the right place to be attempting to put anything together.

Image description: the corner of a pile of Hats is the centre focus, with each Hat being a different variegated colour to the next. At the bottom of the pile is a beret. All of these Hats are worked in stocking stitch in DK weight yarn.

Somehow, though, these came through. The mindful knitting with a touch of interesting details that required a little focus but not too much hit the right note. They gave me something to do for the two months I mostly spent in bed after my body threw an immune reaction to the covid vaccine. And as I started to make things real by writing the patterns out, folks started to convince me of their value beyond of my own needs.

I had this bright idea to call them Medi-Knits or some such and thankfully, I was talked out of that. They needed a name that reflected the meditative nature of the comfort knitting and so ‘Introspection’ came to be. Each design is an intro i.e. ‘Intro Beanie’ or ‘Intro Slouch’ as they’re also an introduction to the styles and shapes and design.

They’re all written and being tech edited as I type. They’re all photographed and a layout style is being put together for the eBook as I type. The tutorials are all written and there’s a long list of what’ll be included. It’s this close to being done and it feels really strange to have created something, anything!, but we have. I have.

Seeing it come together, allowing myself to draw a line under a big project, and knowing that I’ve created something new that will generate income, are all things that are contributing to the shift I’m starting to feel. I have something to feel good about.

We don’t have a release date yet but it will be going on pre-order in the very near future. In terms of what’s included there are 6 styles - beanie, beret, bonnet, helmet, pixie and slouch - written in 12 sizes for up to 6 different yarn weights. Each style has 4 brim options and anywhere between 4 and 10 crown options. There’ll also be 13 photo tutorials included covering all of the techniques involved, of which a couple are brand new. And it’ll be available in both print and digital format as an eBook, with the patterns each being made available individually as well.

It’s been nearly 16 months since I last launched a collection and I’m hoping this makes up for that.

I’ll start sharing photos over the next few days.