.........my brain to shut the f**k up? The thing never gives me a break; even when I'm sound asleep, lucid dreams lurk. I need a break. Wish there was something legal available to slow down the cogs.
It's good, sometimes. Intelligence, curiosity, creativity etc etc aren't qualities I'd trade in for anything. But I long for the relaxed, chilled out, switched off brain of an evening. It's almost as if I'd forgotten what it could be like - the meds with the cotton wool effect numbed it all, and now the dose is (successfully) being reduced (no longer a moody cow!) the brain is back on. All the time. Every single bloody minute.
In my early twenties, I used to envy folk who weren't that curious; those who were happy with their lot, bought houses in the same town they grew up, round the corner from their parents. Perhaps having a dream of visiting some distant shore but not too bothered if it didn't materialise. Many of my childhood friends were like this, most. Never knew many people in my 'community' that itched to leave, feeling a calling for something more. I can remember being 9 yrs old, staring out of my bedroom window, wishing for the day I would leave. 9 yrs old. Know the New Model Army track 'Green & grey'? That was my anthem for a long, long time.
Maybe I've just got itchy feet again, maybe that's the message from the brain. I've never been able to settle anywhere, or with anyone except Mr Tom. Always on the move whether emotionally of physically. I have debated in therapy over and over again that I don't fit in, and always left feeling it was me, that I was wrong. But I couldn't change, and it all made me depressed and paranoid. And then I realised, that it's OK not to fit in, and all I needed to do was to find 'my' folk and feel at home. Whoever my folk are.
Hmmm... no, I do know who my folk are. Those that don't give a monkeys about society's expectations. Don't judge, stare and probe. There are no doubt many people who think like this, but the reality is something different... it looms right over you, installing fear and breeding insecurity. You can't escape it unless you leave completely. And by completely I mean quitting the bricks and mortar. Clearing off. I'm fed up with folk who judge another. Fed up with this idea that you have to look a certain way to get anywhere. Fed up with the mainstream being the big ignorant, ogar.
Jeez, I've barely touch the iceberg of this evening's mental ramblings. Wouldn't it be great to type as fast as you could think?