I've been rethinking my use of social media over the last few days.
It's no news that the idea that social media should be prescribed, calculated and/or edited isn't a popular opinion here. I don't believe in editing ourselves, skimming off our bad or irrelevant bits with the intention of presenting a cheerier, marketed self. As far as I'm concerned I'm a human being, warts and all. One of my favourite rants starts with how creativity doesn't exist in a vacuum, and ends with how our readers (and customers) trust us more because of our transparency, not in spite of it.
Despite this, I've figured that I need to reduce some of my online activity.
When my head is this bad I've a tendency to withdraw altogether, but that's incredibly difficult to do with things as they are - I worry that sales will drop and my income will reduce and that I'll be letting my family down, and before long it's spiralled out of control in my head. Because the opinion is that we need to be seen and interact, and to a greater extent, that's true. I just feel that right now, with my depression at the point it's at, that it's not ideal for me to be hanging out in certain playgrounds. I'm not withdrawing because I'm afraid I'll say something goofy or opinionated or daft or make mistakes or typos or anything else, because I do that rather a lot. And I strongly defend my right to make mistakes and be myself! I'm reducing my interaction because I'm anxious and paranoid. And I'm mostly paranoid about what those who think that we should behave in a certain will think of my behaviour. Because they will judge. And yes, that's their problem and not mine. But while my personal sense of perspective is awry, and while I'm not strong enough to keep propping up my emotional guard, I'd rather not put myself in a position of worrying about what others think. I've enough sticks to beat myself up with, I don't need to add to that collection.
And honestly, I think it's going to be healthy in a few ways. One thing I find tricky about mobile devices is the fact that you're always connected. Disconnecting and having a bit of down time isn't just advised, it's essential sanity maintenance.
The other benefit I hope to gain is a bit of focus. I struggle to come here and write most of the time, yet this is my space and it's somewhere that feels neglected and distant. I used to work through ideas and talk about our travels and post photos of our family life or share snippets of designs in progress, and I'd like that back. Similarly, my Ravelry group hasn't had the attention it deserves from me, and while our brilliant moderators have been doing a sterling job of helping us all through a difficult time, it's not fair to impose.
Just about every day for the last however long, I've been waking up feeling miserable and deflated, wanting to delete myself. This is a path I have walked down too many times, I know the score. This is another step in the right direction, alongside reducing work admin and streamlining business and redirecting myself back towards more creative pursuits. I'm not disappearing altogether. And by saying this out loud, I hope you'll know that I'm heading in the right direction.