It's been another week of medical appointments and being away from my boys, and it's always difficult to work or blog or do anything when there's a lot going on in your head. I met my new consultant on friday, who was very good and thorough, but who also had some surprising news for me, and not the greatest news at that.
There was a 'shadow' on my last scan. An unknown lump. We already knew of one concern but this is something extra. Add to that a couple of other new-to-me concerns and discussions of various complications. And y'know, I wasn't really sure I wanted to mention that here because it's bad enough that I'm worrying and wouldn't want to spread that worry like a contagion or come over all woe-is-me. But I can't get it out of my head. It feels like a piece of news that's about to explode and it can't be contained anymore. And if I try and keep it in it spirals out of control - there's not a chance in hell of keeping my worry gene under control with this one.
The not too distant future holds surgical investigations and biopsies and absolutely, it all may turn out to be nothing to worry about at all. Well, there's something there but it may not be sinister.
And honestly? I feel like I'm at my wits end. These last few months haven't been the kindest, putting me back in a dark place again. Add to that the concern over my Mum's bad break and now this? I reckon it'd pretty natural to be feeling slightly loopy around about now.
But I am trying to get my head in order and soldier on, because it won't do anyone any good if I were to fall apart. I have a business to run and a family to support. And like a good girl, I'm making adjustments and thinking of the future and taking certain pressures off. I'm still working, the pennies have to keep on rolling in. This business isn't like many self employed jobs - the work I'm doing now will reap it's financial rewards later in the year; it's a slow motion wheel that can afford to circle a little more slowly once in a while, but can't really afford to stop.
I just need to be allowed to wobble every now and then. (and that's a reminder to myself, as much as anyone)
Tomorrow I go back to my boys. This afternoon I'm meeting with a friend and then we're going to Iknit London's knit meet, and I'm more than looking forward to it.