There'll be no resolutions from me this year. I found myself reading through a few posts at the start of this year, with a goal or two, and I failed at those miserably. For the most part, I wanted this year to be a healthy year; one whereby I kick the black dog back into it's hole and generally get myself fitter and happier. And the opposite pretty much happened.
2011 has been a rough year, health-wise. Emotionally and physically. I haven't spoken much about health stuff here, as most of it hasn't really been blog worthy. And some of it I didn't know how to talk about... there have been many, many tests - a CT scan and an MRI, a colonoscopy, an ultrasound and a transV ultrasound and more besides (I'm sure you get the picture already). It's not been the best fun a girl could have. They haven't been able to tell me much yet except that I don't have bowel cancer (big fecking yey!) (when a doctor tells you that the only explanation he can think of for your symptoms is a tumour, then you worry. Waiting at least 4 months to find out that it *isn't* that is a bit of a head-fuck). They have found a whole bunch of cysts and other abnormalities in unusual places, and as of yet we don't know what the plan is for those; 2012 might see some surgery. But hey, so long as everything is benign, I can handle that.
So, not surprising really that my head fell apart, huh?
All the physical stuff is under control, sort of, and it's down to me to sort out the emotional stuff; the black dog.
Sorry it's another crappy phone photo - will get back into the habit of using my DSLR, promise.
Now, the reason that this isn't a resolution is because I'm already on the case. I've blogged about the Bach's Remedies before, and I'd tell anyone right now to go out and give them a try before reaching for the happy pills. You can call me an old hippy if you want, I don't care (hey, I like patchouli, there may be some truth in it) The happy pills have side effects and are made up of nasty chemicals. I spent way too long on those things and I've vowed never to go back to them again.
For those interested, here are my current remedies (and why, because, y'know, I believe in sayin' it as it is):
"For those who do not consider themselves as good or capable as those around them, who expect failure, who feel that they will never be a success, an so do not venture or make a strong enough attempt to succeed."
My failure complex is not exactly news, so I won't go over it again. It's at the core of my low self-esteem, always believing that whatever I do isn't good enough but not having the courage (or belief) to try harder because I've learnt that, well, whatever I do isn't good enough.
"For those who blame themselves. Even when successful they think they could have done better, and are never satisfied with the decisions they make. Would this remedy help me to stop blaming myself for everything?"
Because whatever goes wrong is my fault, obviously, because whatever I do isn't good enough and therefore it *must* be my fault. It's not rational, I know, but when you're dealing with the complex issues of a screwed up brain, rationality doesn't come into it.
"For those who cannot prevent thoughts, ideas, arguments which they do not desire from entering their minds. Usually at such times when the interest of the moment is not strong enough to keep the mind full. Thoughts which worry and still remain, or if for a time thrown out, will return. They seem to circle round and round and cause mental torture. The presence of such unpleasant thoughts drives out peace and interferes with being able to think only of the work or pleasure of the day."
*Sigh*. This is my core remedy. It could have been named after me. If you've ever wondered why I keep so busy in the way that I do it's this: my brain needs something else to focus on. I'm never going to learn how to relax until I learn how to turn off the noise in my head (without the use of intoxicants....)
"Those who are liable to times of gloom or even despair, as though a cold dark cloud overshadowed them and hid the light and the joy of life. It may not be possible to give any reason or explanation for such attacks. Under these conditions it is almost impossible to appear happy or cheerful."
The basic black dog remedy. 'Nuff said. There have been some pretty dark days this year, of a level of darkness that hasn't visited here in a few years. Really dark. So dark that if someone (Tom) hadn't have been here to talk me off the ledge, the light might have gone out completely.
"For those who are sometimes attacked by thoughts of such kind as jealousy, envy, revenge, suspicion. For the different forms of vexation. Within themselves they may suffer much, often when there is no real cause for their unhappiness."
I have 'issues' with snobby or judgmental or over confident or self centred or cliquey people. I'm an outsider with a low self esteem, not knowing how to deal with such people kinda comes with the territory, and this year I seem to have encountered more of these types than normal. Whichever path in life I've wandered down, these people exist, and they will always be there. Yet telling someone to "grow a thicker skin" or "get over it" is about as useful as telling someone who's clinically depressed to "cheer up". I need to remind myself that their attitude is their problem, not mine, and be on my merry way. In all honesty, I really like being me, even if I don't really like who I am right now. And I need to hang on to that, and remind myself that my strength comes from being different and going about life my way. (sounds like there's going to be a lot of reminding going on....)
I already know 2012 is going to be a better year and I'm looking forward to it. I've even promised Tom that I won't get stupidly drunk at the festivities so I can see the start of the new year with a fresher pair of eyes. Which is quite a promise, let me tell you...
A much more positive post reflecting on all the Hatty and woolly goodness from the past year will follow very soon! Felt the need to get all this not-so-positive stuff out in the air, so it didn't carry over; to make way for all the good stuff that's gonna be happening in 2012.