I've made a very grown-up decision today. It's been quite hard, talking about it as I'm usually one for soldering on regardless and taking impulsive action as the mood takes me. Yet I can't do that anymore.
I am just so exhausted. These last few weeks I've been turning up at work, dragging through the day and invariably not lasting till home-time. These heavy dose happy pills are taking their toll; true, my mood swings are under control and paranoia is virtually absent yet I've been left a total space cadet, and scared. Trying to teach just an average lesson has been so stressful; having to think on my feet and cope with all the normal things that life throws up. I can't do it. It took a day of my brain completing shutting down over the weekend for me to realise this.
So I'm taking some time off work. It's my job or my health, and what would you choose? Initially I want to give the tablets time to do their stuff without me fighting against them. After a couple of weeks, I'll consider what needs to be done from there... can't think that far ahead.
Was bloody petrified of talking to the necessary people about cover etc and letting them know what was going on. Yet there was support, more than I was expecting. And you know what? It feels like a huge weight off my mind. If I'd have just phoned in or left a message, guilt would have been eating away at me, feeling that I was letting everybody down... this way now I should be able to relax properly and give my head a break.
Am so looking forward to a lack of deadlines, less stress and some time of doing nothing. Just sleeping, functioning and no guilt. This morning I had such fear that another crash was gonna happen soon so I had to do it. It's such a relief, I don't have the words to describe it. One half of my head is telling me I've given into the depression and am sure some folk would agree. Yet for once I'm doing what my body needs, not what my conscience tells me to do.