I'm an ickle bit drunk. Not much, more like merry. Well, shall we say enough for my barriers to be down but not enough to lose comprehension and logical thought. Y'see, those folks over at UKHK's got me remembering some stuff and I felt like writing it all down. Because I should. Because my therapist thinks it could be good for me. Lets face it, it's that time of year when we feel inclined to let those skeletons out of the cupboard. And I'm feeling self indulgent. Hell, it's my blog and I'll write what I want too ;)
a) Am no longer capable of drinking 22 Jack Daniels & coke in the pub then walking home. Good job too. My liver and wallet were suffering.
b) I shouldn't be smoking any dope with my state of mind yet don't mind the odd puff. Strangely, I've found this easier to cut down, and felt less addicted to, than the booze.
c) I blame my Irish blood for my previous ability to down spirits and drink everyone under the table. I'm famed for drinking every guy who bought me a drink under the table when I was last in Derry. Not an easy task, being an English lass against Irish lads.
d) Am allergic to yeast so beer can only be drunk in incy wincy quantities, hence my previous tolerance with spirits.
e) I have 2 ex's who were alcoholics - one has since died of his alcoholism.
f) I have had 2 (seperate from afore mentioned) ex's who were drug dealers - one who dealt when I was seeing him, the other had the history. Won't even mention the ex's who smoked dope. It's my world and they have all done so.
g) I know too much about drugs.. well more than most teachers should.
h) Speed (amphetamines) is evil stuff. It's cheap, long buzz but one hell of a nasty come down. Urk. Just thinking about it makes me feel full of toxins.
i) Ahhh... which leads to it's posher, older brother. Cocaine my friend, is as they say it is. Avoid at all costs... it's too subtle and too expensive.
j) I've never taken heroin. Infact, no chemical has ever quite reached the point when it's incharge of me, rather than me be in control of it.
k) I've witnessed first hand, 2 people suffer with amphetamine-psychosis. Don't go there.
l) I'm a night person. Just incase you hadn't realised by now...
m) I'm over qualified to be a teacher. Despite years of 'doing the wrong thing', I am a qualified Electronics Engineer, trained in silversmithing and bobbin lacemaking amongst other things and have my maths and physics A-levels (though I would have got better grades if I'd spent my study time revising rather than playing cards)
n) My parents seperated just before my 18th birthday.
o) despite having lots of qualifications, I never achieved good grades until I started studying Textiles, my life long interest.
p) I used to swim for my county
q) I always felt when I was growing up that everything I did was never quite good enough.
r) I'm intelligent, and everyone had high hopes for me. I hope there's no-one left who feels let down.
s) The 1st alcoholic ex, the one now dead, was arrested for attempted rape after he seriously attacked me and sexually assaulted me. The court case didn't go as planned.
t) After being asaulted as above, when I was grabbed by my clothes and repeatedly thrown backwards against a door, my back is always full of knots. Every masseur I have tried has failed to relieve my back of the damage. Several have told me it's the worst condition back they have seen. I reguarly get back pain.
u) Alex P (not lixie!) you broke my heart, yet there's no need to be distant. You were always going to be that 'fatal love', which is cool as I understand that now.
v) I was sexually assaulted by my grandad as a kid.
w) I find it hard to trust people.
x) I did my main (and teaching PGSE) degree at Goldsmiths, one of the hardest Art colleges to get into. I got an unconditional offer. That experience still remains one of the best of my life.
y) I rock, only because of the above ;)
z) why stop at Z?
aa) I've spent most of my 30's in therapy.
bb) I've had 2 breakdown's since my 30's, the last being the most severe.
cc) I started teaching when I was 29
dd) I am now 34, 35 in febuary
ee) I love Tom more than I could ever imagine I would. I never thought I would love anyone else after Alex P. This one is different though; he loves me as much and can say so.
ff) I'm lucky to be alive, loving and have good skills.
gg) I have some amazing, endearing and loyal friends.
hh) Have noticed in life, that I seem to be one of those people that get 'noticed' or 'remembered'
ii) People often feel protective of me.
jj) The previous 2 statements bother me.
kk) I have an addictive personality and am a classic case for obsessive/compulsive disorder.
ll) Have only made one feeble attempt at an overdose.
mm) I don't want to die. Infact, I have too many things I want to do and doubt I'll ever achieve them, which is just as daunting.
nn) my self esteem rarely gets off the ground; only the Goldsmiths experience managed to raise it, briefly.
oo) I reckon talking to yourself is healthy. Jeez, if I kept everything in that passed through my brain I'd be locked up for good.
pp) I'm a natural born risk taker. Or shall we say, a natural defiant. If I think about anything for more than 10 seconds, I get scared.
qq) I hope me and Tom get married. Have never whole-heartedly wanted to get married before.
rr) I have been propsed to 4 times! That fact still makes me laugh, after all these years ;)
ss) Recently, my long-term and short-term memory has shown signs of functioning again.
tt) I can knit in the dark. When most kids are sent to bed, they might try and be naughty in some way; me... I just sat and tried to finish what I'd been knitting.
uu) I'm easily bullied, or rather, life experiences have made it hard to stick up to some people.
vv) Staying one place, one job, eats away at my soul.
ww) I've broken in 4 virgins. Christ, and this is from the woman who used to curl up and cry after intimacy.
xx) Despite everything, right now, I like being me. Wouldn't want to be anyone else, although I hated myself for most of my life.
yy) I sleep too much. And am acutely paranoid. That'll be years of dope.
zz) I will try and stop myself from deleting this post.
Shit, this a long post even by my standards.