Last night I got my regular feeling of inadequancy. All I did was check through a couple of blogs of folk I know, and I started to feel jealous of all their creativity, wishing I was doing what they've been doing. On one hand, this seems really stupid as I have been having a creative splurge all of my own recently and I'm embarrassed that I feel like this. Yet on the other hand, I can't help these feelings that seem to take over.
The issue of my self esteem has been cropping up a lot in recent Art therapy sessions. I mean, I know now why I get like this but it's now a matter of trying to reverse the process and it's not an easy task. It bothers Tom, my self esteem (or lack of) and he worries about it, which in turn probably doesn't help, but at least he notices and tells me how brilliant he thinks I am (bless him) I've just gotta work my way through it each time it hits me like this, in the hope that'll it will eventually get easier.
It's a horrible feeling, and hard to avoid. Why should I be envious when I have sooo many ideas and samples all of my own, waiting to be turned into something more definite? I'm sure I know what I'm capable of, skills and creative wise, so why does one half of my brain keep questioning this and doubting? Grrrrr.
It's all making me more reclusive than I already am, so will be trying some different tactics to give me more time and ease up the pressure. So long as I don't lose this will to make and mess around with designs, I'll be alright. So long as my dream of selling my creations as we travel stays with me, I'll get there. That's what's important at the moment. If I lose my creativity then it's another black hole for me to sink into, and that has to be avoided.